I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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