ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
And then my night got REAL pukey
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
