i think i have two assholes
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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