yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
