Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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