i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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