last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
