it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
