Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
