my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
