just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
