What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
In America we eat man semen.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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