Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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