I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
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