im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Then you guys just all showered together...?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
