Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
