I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
