You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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