What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
