My room smells like vodka and shame
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
