Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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