youre lurking in front of me
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i came on her dog
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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