WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
