In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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