God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Randomize
