you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
