just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
