The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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