I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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