note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize