i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
And then my night got REAL pukey
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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