All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Bring me that man meat
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
