booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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