Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
