Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
we're so committed to being not committed
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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