Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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