im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
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