I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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