I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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