She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
