I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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