I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
