She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
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