I faked an abortion last night.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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