Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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