You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
