who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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