So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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