I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
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Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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