Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
