I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
