I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
