She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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