I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Randomize
