After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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