I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
