I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
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Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
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Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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