it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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