She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
